American Foundation for Equal Rights

Marriage News Blog

The New Moral Majority: Philip and Steffen’s Love Story

AFER’s Love Stories series tells the stories of couples who are waiting to get married in California. If you are a gay and lesbian couple who is planning to get married, tell us your story and you could be featured.

Growing up, Philip Oakes’s Baptist parents worked for “Jerry Falwell Ministries,” home of Thomas Road Baptist Church, Liberty University and the Moral Majority (the evangelical Christian lobbying group in the 1980’s).  After being advised to leave a conservative Christian college in Minnesota for being gay, his parents sent him to “ex-gay therapy” (also known as “conversion therapy” or “reparative therapy”) to “get deprogrammed.” A year later, he traveled with the “Look Up America” road team and televangelist Jerry Falwell himself to “solidify his transformation.” It didn’t.

“There was a part of me that thought I was doing the right thing,” says Philip of his experience. It wasn’t until some time later that he realized that no amount of “therapy” could change how he was born. “Fortunately, God didn’t take that away from me,” he says.

Today, Philip is a ramp agent with SkyWest Airlines and lives in Santa Cruz with his partner of nearly 15 years, Steffen Gauss.

Although Steffen also grew up in a religious home, his experience could not have been more different. His brother and nephew are both gay. His parents and family have welcomed Philip with open arms, and support them 100 percent.

“Even though I come from a loving and supportive family, it does not negate the fact that we don’t have the same legal rights and protections as heterosexual couples. If there is ever a situation where my family is unable to stand with Philip and speak on my behalf, I don’t want the government to tell him he has no say in the matter.”

A Family Fear

Philip’s strained relationship with some of his family is compounded by fears of becoming seriously ill. “Because I have my biological family where many still hold onto their [fundamentalist] religious beliefs, we need to take extra precautions to guarantee Steffen has a right to see me should I be hospitalized,” he says. “It’s always been a fear that the family will swoop in and take over. I definitely want Steffen to have full control if I can’t speak for myself. I trust my life to Steffen.”

As unmarried domestic partners, they have countless concerns over insurance policies, shared property, and more that would be out of their control should something happen. “Oh my God, it would be a huge relief!” Philip says of the idea of them getting married and having their assets protected.

True Commitment

Regardless of their unique financial and legal situation, the couple says their relationship is all about love.

“I love everything about Steffen. After 14 years, he is my rock,” Philip says. “He’s everything to me. I can’t imagine being without him. He’s constantly there for me.”

“We want to make a commitment to each other that is unlike any commitment we have made to each other thus far in our relationship.”

Now, with a majority of Americans supporting marriage equality, the two are optimistic they will soon be able to get married.

“We have a relationship that we want to be honored, supported, unquestioned, and respected! We want to get married now!”